“Getting Along” is an advice column to help you tackle common — and messy — people problems, by workplace expert Amy Gallo.
Dear Amy,
As a woman of color, I find it challenging to navigate and negotiate the “frat-like” subcultures that exist within the male-dominated organization where I work. There’s everything from the boisterous water cooler chatter to senseless pranks, all of which seem out of place to me in a professional environment. In my view, the behavior is divisive and creates (invisible) barriers to inclusion.
I get that organizational culture is typically created at the highest levels of a company, but a company’s subcultures can have an overwhelming impact on one person’s experience. And if management is engaged in a toxic subculture (either passively or actively), it could increase pay gaps and affect retention efforts for people who feel marginalized and excluded.
What tips for success would you offer women, particularly BIPOC, seeking career advancement in a male-dominated field, which is plagued with a disruptive “frat-like” subculture?
—Tired of My Team’s Frat-Like Culture
Dear Tired of My Team’s Frat-Like Culture,
You are absolutely right about the negative impact of a culture like the one you described. People who are part of the dominant group in these subcultures often think they’re just “having fun” and fail to recognize how their “fun” activities exclude people who aren’t part of the inner circle or in on their pranks.
Creating an inclusive culture isn’t just about avoiding actions or activities that are exclusionary, but taking proactive steps to make sure everyone feels included, especially those who are underrepresented. It’s on those in power to do that work, and it’s not your responsibility to change the culture. While you may want to take steps to protect yourself and your career, don’t feel obligated to take on the burden of reforming the workplace.
When you’re an “only” at work (the only woman of color, the only person with a disability, etc.), there are numerous challenges. Research shows, for example, that women working in male-dominated fields are exposed to pervasive stereotypes about their leadership abilities, a lack of mentoring and development opportunities, and mistreatment like sexual harassment. Women report feeling incompetent, not being listened to, having to prove themselves over and over, and being made to feel as if they don’t belong.
You don’t have to work in an overtly biased culture or a “frat-like” environment to experience these consequences. Research by professors M. Teresa Carador and Brianna Caza shows that there are often subtle stressors — like feeling as if your work isn’t valued — that cause women to want to leave professions that seem to be reserved for men.
To be clear, these aren’t usually great places for men to work either, especially when there’s a masculinity contest culture or the organization defaults to masculine behaviors, forcing men to adhere to damaging gender norms as well.
I’ve spent a few paragraphs explaining the negative consequences of the type of subculture you described because it’s important for people to understand the research behind why these places are so bad for everyone. But you came here for advice, so let’s talk about what you can do. I’ll share four tips to help you (and people who may be in a similar position) not only survive, but ideally thrive.
1. Take care of yourself
It can be tough to cope with all of this, no matter how resilient you are. So be sure to recognize that, and don’t stifle the stress. Suppressing your emotions may feel like a smart coping strategy, but it has a negative impact on you, resulting in things like raised blood pressure, lower satisfaction with life, and more negative emotions.
Barnard College president Sian Beilock recommends journaling about the stress you’re experiencing. She writes:
The act of committing thoughts to paper has been shown to decrease worries and rumination and boost the ability to concentrate and focus. There’s value in getting things “off your chest” and releasing that emotional distress. Acknowledging fear can help you make sense of it, reduce your negativity, and allow you to flourish.
You also want to be kind to yourself. Research has established a myriad of benefits from self-compassion, including a stronger desire to grow and improve, higher emotional intelligence, and deeper resilience. It also makes you more compassionate toward others. Kristen Neff, a professor at the University of Texas and one of the leading researchers on self-compassion, defines it as having three elements. First is awareness of your negative emotions. To acknowledge them, you might tell yourself, “The situation I’m in is hard right now” or “I’m feeling frustrated and left out.” Second is a sense of common humanity, or that others face similar obstacles. Remind yourself, “I’m not the only one who has to deal with being a woman of color in a white male–dominated field. I’m not alone.” Third is being kind to yourself. Ask, “What do I need right now?” or “What’s the kind thing to do here — for me?”
2. Escalate carefully
You mentioned that this is a subculture, which makes me think that perhaps the whole organization doesn’t have a “frat-like” environment. If that’s the case (and I hope it is), can you talk to someone — maybe a senior leader or an HR representative — about how damaging the culture is? You could even share the data and links I outlined above. If you do think there’s someone who might have a sympathetic ear — and the authority and motivation to take steps to change the culture — be sure to articulate the impact the culture is having, especially on important metrics like retention or recruitment of women of color.
Of course, you want to be realistic about whether change is possible and how long it might take. So, even if you take this step, you’ll want to consider other tactics to protect your career and preserve your well-being.
3. Look for allies
Since it’s not possible to transform a toxic culture on your own, you want to protect yourself by finding like-minded people who are interested in interacting in ways that are more aligned with your values. Emotional intelligence expert Annie McKee refers to these groups as “microcultures.” She explains their importance this way:
Cultures that force us to compromise our best selves aren’t good for us or for our organizations. But let’s face it: You’re probably not going to be able to single-handedly change the culture of your entire organization. What you can do, however, is take matters into your own hands to create a resonant microculture where you have the most chances of succeeding: on your team.
Her advice is to figure out what kind of environment you need to be effective — and happy — at work. Then talk to trusted teammates about the culture you wish you had and agree to establish and commit to interacting with one another in accordance with your shared values. McKee has some specific advice about how you might do this:
With one or two others (possibly including your boss), plan a series of meetings where people have an opportunity to talk about what’s important to them at work, what they want and need. Take deliberate steps to articulate shared values as well as shared rules of engagement to guide everyone’s behavior…Remember, though, that as you begin to live your new culture, things won’t change overnight. Old habits die hard, and the pressure of your broader company culture is still very real. So, while you hold yourselves accountable for building your resonant microculture, you’ll also need to be patient, supportive, and ready to forgive yourself and others.
Of course, this requires that you have allies you can build this microculture with. Are there other women of color in your organization with whom you can form a coalition and share experiences and tactics? Are there men who are also frustrated by the culture, even if they aren’t necessarily excluded by it?
In searching for male allies, I encourage you to ask the questions that professors Tsedale M. Melaku and Christoph Winkler lay out to assess whether your male colleague will truly be supportive:
- Does this person speak up at important moments, using their privilege to step in and raise awareness about inequities?
- Do they exhibit public displays of support without backing it up with concrete results?
- Is this someone who has a genuine interest in advancing marginalized individuals? If not, who else might be?
4. Protect your career
Thriving in an unhealthy culture also means taking steps to protect your career. You may want to document your successes, such as projects you’ve successfully completed or goals you’ve reached. Keep a running list of what you’re working on and any ideas or pitches you bring forward. Regularly share these wins with your boss, even via a short weekly email. This is about building a case for your value at the company so that the culture and bias that underlies it doesn’t overshadow what you bring to the organization. Having this record of your achievements may be useful to you at review time when completing self-appraisals or whenever you’re meeting with senior executives and want to be able to speak to your accomplishments.
Find ways to make your good work known to others in the organization as well — especially those who may be outside the toxic subculture. Introduce yourself to people in other departments or at higher levels in the company, perhaps by volunteering for a cross-functional initiative or joining a powerful executive’s pet project. Cultivating connections beyond your immediate team will give you a chance to demonstrate your talents broadly.
5. Consider leaving
I never like to tell people they should quit, because I realize that for financial or logistical reasons, it may not be feasible — no matter how dysfunctional the culture is. You may have a mortgage to pay or family members who rely on your benefits and salary, or perhaps you work in an industry where there are few openings for people with your skills.
If you want to quit but feel like you can’t just yet, set up some parameters for how long you’ll stay. Seeing a light at the end of the tunnel will make the time until you can leave more bearable. You might tell yourself, “I’ll stick it out for four months, and if these three things don’t change in the meantime, I’ll start sending out my resume.” The key is to avoid feeling like you’re stuck, which will only worsen your misery.
At the very least, you might see if there are better subcultures elsewhere in your company or outside of it. As professor Carador told me in an interview for the Women at Work podcast: “One of the [potential] solutions is to try to select into an environment where the stereotyping and the bias and various forms of exclusion are less prevalent.” She went on to explain what you might look for in a new working environment: Are there women in leadership roles, not just at the mid-level, but also at the top of the organization? Are there family-friendly workplace policies like flextime and parental leave, not just for women but for men too? Even if you don’t have children, the presence of these sort of policies indicate inclusion. Carador says: “I would really encourage women to try to look for environments where they can feel that they’re equally valued and that they’re maximally supported and that those environments are friendly to women and also to men.”
What you’re experiencing is unfair. And please remember that the onus isn’t on you to change the culture or adapt so that you can succeed. It’s the people in charge — those with power and privilege — who should be concerned with how to create a work culture where everyone can thrive.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer in a future column, please reach out to me here.
Additional resources:
The Psychological Toll of Being the Only Woman of Color at Work by Ruchika Tulshyan
Step into the Spotlight by Women at Work (podcast)
To Succeed in Tech, Women Need More Visibility by Shelley J. Correll and Lori Nishiura Mackenzie
Ask an Expert: My Team Members Keep Leaving Me Out by Ruchika Tulshyan