A recent Washington Post article highlighted a seemingly obvious, yet critically important finding from research conducted by Maureen Perry-Jenkins: When parents work in more supportive environments, they are able to be more effective in their parenting roles. This, in turn, leads to better developmental outcomes for their children. It’s no surprise that this news article quickly made the rounds across social media for parents — it articulates what so many working parents have felt: that our experiences at work shape the experiences of our home lives.
While writing Parents Who Lead, one of us (Alyssa) heard countless examples of dual-career parents who described the invasive, negative impact that an unsupportive work environment (think micromanaging boss, lack of family-supportive policies, presenteeism culture) can have on the entire family. It was common to hear one parent complain about their partner’s work and how carrying the resulting extra burden at home meant that they couldn’t fully engage at work themselves. And, happily, we also heard the positive flip side of this story. When one parent was meaningfully supported at work, their co-parent felt better able to fully show up as a parent and in their own career.
As a team of researchers and working parents ourselves, we set out to investigate this question: How does our co-parent’s support (or lack thereof) in the work environment influence our ability to thrive at home and at work?
To answer this question, we identified 100 dual-career couples with children and surveyed them at multiple time points over a year and a half during the pandemic. We asked each parent to tell us about the extent to which their work environment was supportive of their lives outside of work. We asked these questions about several facets of the work environment — their direct supervisor, their coworkers, and the broader organizational culture. We also asked both parents about their home lives, including the extent to which their partner was a supportive co-parent. Finally, we asked them to describe the degree to which they felt that they were thriving at work and at home. From an academic perspective, thriving is defined as two distinct but related psychological states — vitality and learning. When you thrive, you feel energized, enthusiastic, and a sense of continuous growth and learning. Beyond merely surviving, we wanted to know why some working parents were able to thrive (especially during the pandemic, which placed immense pressure on the family system).
What we found supported our initial supposition that when one co-parent has a supportive work environment, it makes it significantly more likely that their co-parent will be able thrive both at home and in their own careers. Diving deeper into the data yielded some fascinating findings.
First, we found that not all types of support at work are equally important. The supportiveness of one’s supervisor was significantly more impactful on both the co-parent and their partner than other forms of support at work (either from coworkers or the organizational culture, more broadly). In other words, even after controlling for the supportiveness of your own boss, the supportiveness of your co-parent’s boss affects how likely you are to thrive at work and home.
Second, as organizational psychologists, we wanted to understand how this process unfolded. We found that partners who had supportive supervisors were, in turn, more supportive of their co-parent at home. Having a supportive supervisor allowed individuals to bring more time and energy to their home lives. They were able to take on more of the parenting and domestic responsibilities, as well as be a more focused, engaged, and patient co-parent. Simply put, when you have an unsupportive boss, it’s hard to show up fully for your family. As a result, the demands of managing the home domain fall disproportionately to your co-parent, which drains them of the capacity to fully thrive in their home and work lives. This effect held true regardless of parent gender and number of children.
While there is still much to untangle about how the work environments of the couples in our study affect their children and partner, these initial findings present significant takeaways for working parents.
1. Recognize and manage spillover.
While we may want to believe we can “turn off” work stress when we’re off-the-clock, our research suggests that this frequently isn’t the case. Work-family scholars refer to this as “spillover”— when experiences at work impact your ability to fully engage at home, both positively and negatively.
After a great day at work, you’re more likely to be an energetic parent and partner. But, after a draining and frustrating one, negative moods don’t necessarily dissipate right away. By becoming more aware of this process, you can develop tools for capitalizing on the positive energy and minimizing the transfer of negativity. For example, developing a commute ritual (even if it’s just from the desk to the couch) may be a useful tool for managing spillover.
2. Practice mindful division of labor.
When we dove into the research on how one partner’s boss affects their co-parent, one of the key drivers was the extent to which unsupportive bosses were associated with less equal co-parenting. While demanding work roles may mean that not every chore or task can be shared 50/50, it does highlight the importance of consciously and collaboratively determining how family responsibilities will be distributed. Experimenting with new ways to divide and manage responsibilities is an important strategy for dual-career parents to improve both partners’ satisfaction and performance at work and home.
3. Prioritize having the right boss.
While we may not have control over who we work for and with, there are times of career transition when we do have the capacity to prioritize different facets of our future roles. In those instances, recognize the potential impact that a supportive supervisor will play in your life, and seek out a supportive boss.
4. Manage up.
Since choosing your direct supervisor isn’t always an option, it’s important to be proactive in managing the relationship with the boss that you do have. Research suggests that you can manage up to facilitate greater alignment, communication, and support in your relationship with your direct supervisor. And, if your co-parent feels trapped, you can help them identify strategies for doing so, as well.
5. Cultivate communities of support.
While our research focused on the supportiveness of the workplace, it’s only one dimension of our lives that affects our immediate family. Yet, many of us focus only on work and immediate family as potential levers of support, overlooking our wider community. By cultivating a broader network of support around you — whether from extended family, neighbors, friends, community or school resources — you may find that you become less reliant on the supportiveness of your direct supervisor to facilitate wellness in your career and home. By creatively building and leveraging support in other domains of your life, you bolster your ability to thrive in challenging circumstances.
It’s no secret that a supportive boss can play an instrumental role in your ability to thrive both at work and at home. Our research takes this finding one step further by highlighting how your boss can also indirectly influence your co-parent’s ability to thrive, as well. While it may not always be an option to choose the ideal supervisor, by understanding how this process unfolds, you can take steps to more consciously navigate complex work, parenting, and partnership decisions to maximize opportunities for both you and your co-parent to thrive in all facets of life.